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Friday's List: Specific Ways Listening is Making Me a Better Person

Unless you heed the important things you newly hear, you are not becoming a superior listener. Following up on an earlier post, here are three ways listening to my body is making me a better person.

1. I am sleeping between 7 and 8 hours a night. With regard to sleep, I've deprived my body for decades of the needed recovery sleep it needs. This was really dumb. After delivering excellent results for me, I then proceeded for years to punish it by starving it from the eight or so hours of sleep it needed.

Now that I'm sleeping enough, the dark bags under my eyes have disappeared, and my posture has improved (my shoulders aren't droopy because of exhaustion).

2. I'm reading more and better books. As a result of being rested, I'm able to read without nodding off after just a few short pages. The last thing I want to do when exhausted is read something requiring serious thinking. Because I'm mentally sharper, I'm back to reading more important works.

3. I'm stretching daily. My muscles tell me daily, that they need to be stretched and warmed up. I now stretch various muscle groups throughout the day. Most of my stretching is done in 3 minute intervals. That's not that much time, but it has yielded excellent results. For example, I no longer have lower back pain. What a relief!

There you have it. These are all things I'm now DOING because I'm listening better.

You have a list?

Stop Listening to Your Own Lies, Part 2

Yesterday, I broached the subject of listening to your own lies, or listening to your self-talk. I want to follow up with a few thoughts.

If you catch yourself listening to self-talk that has a power in your life, then what exactly should you do? You either change your thinking (because the thoughts are false), or you change your life (because the thoughts are true).

Here's how I deal with self-talk. 

1. Write down the specific self-talk. In my case, it was the phrase, "Don't talk or you will get behind."

2. Evaluate its truthfulness. Realize, your self-talk may reflect truth that you should be heeding (e.g., "This smoking is going to kill me.")

3. Decide if you should believe it or banish it. If you don't know, talk with a family member, friend, or spiritual mentor.

4. (Believe it). Develop a three-step plan to heed its truth. For example if your self-talk is, "This smoking is going to kill me." Here are my recommended three steps:

• Step 1. Involve another person that can help you quit smoking. Don't go it alone. (Example, your golf buddy).
• Step 2. Get rid of all cigarettes, and stop visiting places where you smoke. For example, stop shopping at the store you buy cigs.
• Step 3. Focus on things that will improve once you stop smoking. Example, sign up for a 5K running race in two months. Start training. One helpful key: replace bad behavior with good behavior.

5. (Banish it). Develop a three-step plan to replace it with truth. For example, "Don't stop or you will get behind." Here are my recommended three steps:

• Step 1. Write down multiple reasons why it is not truth. You need to understand clearly why it is a lie.
• Step 2. Develop a saying that reflects truth. Don't try and banish lies by not thinking about them. Banish lies by focusing on truth.
• Step 3. Involve another person that will help you live the truth. Don't go along. The Lone Ranger always gets shot. In my case, I stopped working and began recreating with my wife and kids. I included acting my way into a new mindset.

By taking these steps to Stop Listening to Your Own Lies, you will find a new liberation. It may be painful to face them, but you will be glad you did.

Stop Listening to Your Own Lies, Part 1

Five years ago this month, I transitioned out of pastoral work and into the marketplace. Leaving a twenty year career behind was quite a challenge. One benefit of changing careers, especially drastically different careers, is that new work often exposes old "self talk" that no longer makes sense.

What do I mean by self talk? Self talk is what you repetitiously say to yourself, but almost never vocalize. You are the only one that hears it. In my case, there was a phrase that I would say to myself as a pastor that kept me from being able to rest. Because my new job had clear boundaries (e.g., clear start and stop times), I was forced to stop. I couldn't keep working. In retrospect, I realized my "self talk" as  pastor was a prison erected in my own mind that kept me on the treadmill of work. That phrase was this,

Don't stop or you will get behind.

I would say that a few times a day to myself. It was like a little devil inside my head goading me to keep working.

One day I stopped and really listened to my self talk and this phrase kept popping up.  I had clocked out for the day at my new job and I couldn't keep working. But, the self talk kept coming at me, "Don't stop or you will get behind." It had this grandfather like tone in my head. Because I was slowing down and listening more to my self talk, I decided to talk back. So I asked a simple question of myself,

Get behind what?

The answer came clearly and immediately. There was NOTHING that I was going to get behind if I stopped working because I was not a slacker. Nothing!

Man, I realized at that point that this mental prison was self imposed! I was my own worst enemy. With that realization a mental curtain was drawn back and I began to see with a new, liberating light. Since then I've challenged this phrase every time it pops up in my head, and I've been freed to relax and rest more. There is no big, bad monster that I'll fall behind if I stop. I don't have a problem working. I have a problem with resting mostly because of recognize my own self talk.

What's your self talk? Slow down and listen to yourself. What phrases pop up? Listen and consider what you say to yourself. Tomorrow we'll talk about other "self talk" phrases often say to themselves that hurt us deeply.

You may find, just like I did, that you've been listening to your own lies.

Listen To Your Body

The older I get, the more I realize that I've ignored by body talk. How many years have I disregarded my body telling me that I needed to sleep more? Or how about the times my body told me I needed to exercise, but I turned a deaf ear to that as well.

Let's get this straight - your body is pretty good at communicating with you. Listen to what it is saying. If you are lazy and your body keeps dragging and telling you it doesn't want to do anything, you should be able to discern that you need to do exactly the opposite. If you have been going too hard, and your body is telling you to stop! Listen to it and stop.

Personally, I'm getting better at listening and heeding what my body is telling me. I'm working at sleeping between 7 and 8 hours a night now. I'm also eat less because my stomach tells me (very clearly) when it's full. I'm also exercising 5 days a week, AND making sure I'm not doing much physically for two days a week to ensure I am recovering.

My body is telling me how much it appreciates the kind cooperation now. We still find ourselves in an argument every now and then, but overall, my body is much happier since I've begun to listen better. 

Please, listen to your body, and heed what it is telling you. You'll be happy you did.

Keep a Listening Journal

If you focus on listening, you are going to hear scores of new things. In fact, I've found that without keeping a journal, I would lose many of the ideas, truths, and lessons learned because so much stuff comes at me each day. 

So, instead of trying to keep it all straight in my head, I keep a journal. This journal is as good as gold because I write down every kind of conversation imaginable: conversations with my insurance company regarding a bill, conversations with my kids, and yes, conversations with myself. I also note when I've heard someone say something important on the radio, at work, and on the street.

How long does it take to keep this journal updated? Between 5 - 10 minutes a day. I usually don't write down every word, just summaries, key ideas, quotes, song lyrics...

By writing it down I'm able to chronicle my exploits in listening, and I'm able to relisten at a later time. In fact, my journal helps me re-listen not just once, but at least three times. Here's my proverb:

Listen once - you learn many things.

Listen twice - you apply many things.

Listen thrice - you grow wise at many things.

Let me recommend that you too adopt a listening journal practice - and you listen three times. It will move your listening to a whole new level, and you will never hear the same.

Listening to God, Part 1

Although listening to people is important, I believe it's much more important to listen to God. Historically, the God of the Bible required people to stop working and listen attentively to Him. It was called the Sabbath, and it was observed every seven days.

God's people made a habit of honoring that day. More specifically, God's people would cease striving, gather together to listen to the Scriptures being read and taught, join in meditative prayer together, and allow other people to speak "truth" into their lives. For those that didn't get caught up in the machinery of observing the do's and don't of the day, people met God. Really.

Well, today I'm going to gather together with God's people, and I'm going to be asking one simple question of God,

 "Is there anything You, God, have been saying to me (in my conscious) that I've been ignoring?"

That can be a very scary question...as God has no fear speaking bluntly and boldly into our lives, convicting us of self-centered ways and means...even telling us that we need to stop right where we are, turn around, and head the other way.

May I suggest you ask the same question of God today?  Please, don't turn a deaf ear to your Creator.

Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

If there is one mindset that I now embrace on my path to become a superior listener, it is this:

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

I've heard that proverb hundreds of times before. I've even quoted it in talks. Unfortunately, I've never wholeheartedly embraced it. Now I have.

The ability to understand peoples' thoughts, emotions, motivations, and history has become a greater challenge than I thought.  One of the challenges in doing this is speed. Can I quickly understand what people are saying AND what is shaping them as they talk?

I've decided to focus on understanding the emotional component as my highest priority. As a result, I'm asking the question (as I listen), "Are they rested or tired? Happy or sad? Angry or patient? Hungry or content?" By understanding the emotions surrounding their words, I'm able to gain real insight as to why something is being said.

In the next few weeks I hope to develop an emotional listening chart to help me (and you) listen quickly for the emotional cues.


Have a great day, and remember to listen to people's words and the emotions that surround them.

Friday's List: How Listening is Making Me a Better Person

1. I talk less and smile more. Honestly, I probably speak a third fewer words now. Although the volume of words has gone down, the impact of my words has gone up dramatically. Since I talk so much less, I decided to put my mouth to work by smiling more.

2. I ask more questions. In order to understand people better, I ask more questions. This keeps others talking and me listening. I've yet to meet anyone that didn't like talking about himself.

3. I have a clear list of things to improve upon. Three weeks ago I sat down and read my journal noting all the noteworthy things others have said to me. Then I made a list of things that I want to change. It's now over three pages long! Most of the items are small and don't require much effort to change. Here are three I'm currently, consciously, an creatively working on:

• Don't leave a wet towel on the bed after I shower. This drives my wife crazy waking up each morning with a cold towel greeting her. Not cool. I'm getting that towel hung up each morning. 
• When dinner is called, stop what I'm doing and get to the table. I've frequently justified my delay when called because "I'm in the middle of my super, world changing project that I cannot leave." I now realize that's a crock. Here my wife and kids work hard at getting a hot meal on the table only to let it get cold because I don't get there for 5 minutes. Not cool. I'm getting to the table while the food is still hot.
• Put my keys back where they belong every time. I've wasted a good portion of my life looking for keys (amongst other things). Asking my wife each day if she knows where my keys are is not cool. Now, I'm disciplining myself to place them in one of two places: my pocket, or my drawer. I'm spending less time looking for my keys now (as is my wife).

There you have it. Are these earth shattering? Nope. Irritants? Yep. Are the changes making a difference? Absolutely. I want to string together a thousand of these small improvement projects as a result of listening better. Then my wife will no longer need to repetitiously say, "Please, don't leave your wet towel on the bed," "Please, come to the dinner table right away when you are called," and "Please, put your keys where they belong so that I don't have to keep helping you find them."

There you have it. Three ways listening is making me a better man. I'm inching my way towards becoming a superior listener.

What's your list look like?

Prioritize Listening Over Speaking

What would happen if everyone everywhere prioritized listening over speaking? What would change in our lives if this were true in our families? Schools? Companies? Cafes? Council Chambers?

What would likely change in your personal life if this were true? How different a mother would you be? Husband? Daughter? Friend? Coworker?

I submit to you that I've had it backwards. My priority has been speaking over listening...like ten to one. I've taken classes in speaking; asked for feedback regarding my speaking; I even became the president of my local Toastmaster's chapter (which I highly recommend joining).

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with learning to speak better. Everyone should develop this skill. I'm not recommending we neglect our speaking development.

What I'm recommending is that everyone of us would be far better people if we prioritized listening over speaking.

Consider it. Comment on it. Let me know what you think.

Professional Pouting

Two months ago I noticed something quite disheartening about myself. I had been noting my specific feelings for a few weeks and jotting them down in a notebook. I wanted to see if there were any connections between my feelings and ability to listen. Well, the theme popped up loudly and clearly.

It seems that I had become a professional pouter. By professional, I mean I had become so good at pouting that I could feel sorry for myself and fake my way past other people without them noticing the pout (except for my wife...her radar is too good!). I frequently felt sorry for myself because I didn't get this or that. So, like a little boy, I secretly pouted. Poor me.

Well, the effects of my pouting have greatly effected my ears. When I pout my ability to listen attentively drops off drastically.

This new insight opened a new door for me. If I want to become a better listener, I don't necessarily need to focus on listening. I address my pouting. Stop the pouting and the hearing goes up. Let the pouting go on, and the hearing goes down.

So, is my life so bad that I need to pout about my pouting? No. I'm choosing to focus on the blessings and exciting challenges that I am privileged to experience today. Presto! I've got my hearing back.

Boo to pouting. Cheers to listening.

Listeners' Toolbox: How are you doing?

I frequently ask people, "How are you doing?"

They frequently answer, "I'm hanging in there."

I frequently send the conversation in a new direction by responding with, "What are you hanging on to?"

The conversations that follows is usually slower, more meaningful, and interesting.

By discovering what people are "hanging on to," you will begin to have a grid from which to understand their world. Wow. Is this exciting!

Feel Good Hearing

My ears have a filter on them.  Frankly, I'd rather hear what I want to hear than the truth. So, if my ears hear something nice, they let the words through with no problem. They accept these beautiful sounds full well. But, if they hear something that they don't like hearing (like "you need to correct something"), then they filter out the words. No way are they getting through.

In my own case, I find I have a history of wanting to feel good about myself more than anything else. There is a big problem with this tactic though. By only hearing what you want to hear, you compromise hearing truth, because hearing truth about yourself can be very painful. You might have to change. Ouch.

The sad part about living like this for decades now, is that by filtering out the truth about myself, I stay lopsided and self-centered. And a lopsided, self-centered person is not happy. Feel-good hearing is anything but feel good.

So, I've decided to focus more on hearing truth than feeling good about myself. The truth is, I'm becoming a better person as a result.

Why is it so hard to listen?

My first month of "The Listen Up Project" was consumed by asking the same question over and over, "Why is it so hard to listen to people that are close to me? Why, of all people, would my wife say I'm a poor listener? I love her. I trust her. I enjoy her. But I don't listen to her. Shouldn't I listen best to the person I love the most?

This problem plagued me for weeks until one Saturday afternoon, my wife and I were discussing how to parent one of our kids. At one point we were clearly not aligned with each other. As we talked through our disagreement I heard myself say "but" to her over five times in one minute. The word seemed to just pop out of my mouth effortlessly. But this...but that...but when...but you. Wow. I was a bit shocked at my communication.

Now, I really don't like it when people repetitiously say "but" to me, so I decided to banish this word from my vocabulary for a week. Ugh. It wasn't easy. I found that behind that little word "but" was an entire army in my head defending me at the slightest provocation.

I realized that "but" was my way of saying, "You are wrong, and I'm right. Take that!" I couldn't listen because I was marshaling the army in my head to defend me, even when I was wrong.  The word "but" was the first verbal bullet used by the army in my head to childishly defend me. When I began taking the word "but" out of my vocabulary, I empty the verbal gun. Without a bullet, I'm forced to listen. Pretty cool.

Thus, my lesson learned was simple and practical. On reason it is so hard for me to listen is the word "but" pops out at every corner. By minimizing this word in your vocabulary, you greatly increased the likelihood of keeping your mouth shut and your ears open. So, don't be a But-Head. Banish the word "but" as much as possible. You will find your listening improve immediately.

How "The Listen Up Project" got started

I have a problem. I'm deaf. My problem lies not in my ears, because my ears work perfectly well. I'm deaf because I'm a poor listener. In March 2011, my wife told me for the umpteenth time that I don't listen. For some unknown reason, I accepted what she said that time and decided that she was right. I don't listen. So, I embarked on what I now affectionately call "The Listen Up Project."

"The Listen Up Project" began with a two step arrangement: (1) shut your mouth, and (2) actually listen to what people say. Simple? I found myself incapable of following these two steps for the first month. But, despite the initial failure, I kept at it. Eventually, I began to make it all the way through each of those cumbersome two steps. Wow, did I begin to hear things I had never heard before. Since then, I've never looked back and I've concluded that I want to become a superior listener. Not a good one, but a superior one.

The lessons learned in a few short months are so valuable that I'd give up my right arm in exchange for them (but not my right ear). This has been so life changing, that I decided to start blogging so that others might become superior listeners as well. My assumption is you may have the very same hearing problem that I have. So...

Consider joining me on "The Listen Up Project." It starts with a two step: (1) shut your mouth, and (2) actually listen to what people say. Brace yourself. You will never hear the same.