Why is it so hard to listen?

My first month of "The Listen Up Project" was consumed by asking the same question over and over, "Why is it so hard to listen to people that are close to me? Why, of all people, would my wife say I'm a poor listener? I love her. I trust her. I enjoy her. But I don't listen to her. Shouldn't I listen best to the person I love the most?

This problem plagued me for weeks until one Saturday afternoon, my wife and I were discussing how to parent one of our kids. At one point we were clearly not aligned with each other. As we talked through our disagreement I heard myself say "but" to her over five times in one minute. The word seemed to just pop out of my mouth effortlessly. But this...but that...but when...but you. Wow. I was a bit shocked at my communication.

Now, I really don't like it when people repetitiously say "but" to me, so I decided to banish this word from my vocabulary for a week. Ugh. It wasn't easy. I found that behind that little word "but" was an entire army in my head defending me at the slightest provocation.

I realized that "but" was my way of saying, "You are wrong, and I'm right. Take that!" I couldn't listen because I was marshaling the army in my head to defend me, even when I was wrong.  The word "but" was the first verbal bullet used by the army in my head to childishly defend me. When I began taking the word "but" out of my vocabulary, I empty the verbal gun. Without a bullet, I'm forced to listen. Pretty cool.

Thus, my lesson learned was simple and practical. On reason it is so hard for me to listen is the word "but" pops out at every corner. By minimizing this word in your vocabulary, you greatly increased the likelihood of keeping your mouth shut and your ears open. So, don't be a But-Head. Banish the word "but" as much as possible. You will find your listening improve immediately.